Having stressful conversations with your advisor

  • Managing difficult conversations

  • If communication breaks down

If the advisor-advisee relationship no longer works 

  • Deciding whether to change advisors

  • Leaving with a Master’s degree

  • Finding a new advisor

  • Exploratory meetings with potential advisors

  • Finding a new advisor

  • The logistics of changing advisors and groups

  • If you cannot find an advisor who agrees to take you

Seeking help

  • Practice self-care

  • Talk to your advisor

  • Talk to other students

  • Elevate the issue

Having stressful conversations with your advisor

At some point during your Ph.D., issues will arise that require you to hold a stressful conversation with your advisor. Many techniques you can use to do this apply to other areas of life, as well.

Managing difficult conversations

  • Write down what you want to say before the meeting. It can be difficult to remember all you want to say when feeling stressed or uncomfortable. List key points that you’d like to discuss during the conversation.

  • Rehearse/talk with others. It can be difficult to come up with thoughtful responses to questions with zero preparation. Think about how your advisor might respond to what you’re saying so you can think through how you might respond in turn. Often, other students have had similar conversations with your advisor and can let you know how your advisor might respond. Other students can also help you consider how to phrase what you are going to say.

  • Set aside a specific meeting time. If you plan to have a more serious conversation during a meeting time that’s normally used for discussing research, let your advisor know in advance, when you send your meeting agenda. As with any agenda item, it is useful to give as many details as possible, to let everyone prepare. It is better to let your advisor prepare rather than being blind-sided, ideally leading to a more constructive meeting.

  • Take your time during the conversation. During stressful situations, we sometimes forget to breathe, exacerbating feelings of anxiety. Both before you begin the conversation and during it, remember to stay present and take deep, mindful breaths. During the actual conversation, it can be difficult to keep your thoughts organized. It is okay to pause to think through how you want to proceed, especially if it is a point that you didn’t anticipate or consider in advance (“can I have a minute to think about this?” or “wow, I didn’t anticipate that and will need to consider it for a minute").

  • Try repeating back what you hear your advisor saying. Acknowledge what your advisor has said by rephrasing and repeating it back (“if I understand you correctly…” or “you’re saying that…”). This ensures that you are accurately understanding what is meant, a listening skill often compromised during difficult conversations.

  • Summarize in writing what was said, as for any meeting. This ensures that you agree on, and remember, the discussions and conclusions of this important conversation.

If the advisor-advisee relationship no longer works

You may reach a point where your current advisor-advisee relationship no longer works for you. This can happen for many reasons, from changing research interests to incompatible styles of work or interaction. Whatever the reason, remember that students go through this every year. It can be useful to talk to other students who have changed advisors, to the grad advising team, and to friends and mentors outside of the Allen School. Your most important responsibility when this happens is to find an alternative that works for you.

Deciding whether to change advisors

This is a very personal decision, and there are no set criteria for when one should make it. Some advisor-advisee relationships are non-standard but extremely successful; others look great on paper but do not work for the student. Some basic questions can help you think about making a change:

  • Am I excited about my research? If not, how long has it been since I was?

  • Could I imagine being excited again in the same research group?

  • Do I trust my advisor to help me develop my research and career?

  • How does my relationship with my advisor make me feel? How much stress does it cause me?

  • Are there other areas/groups/advisors that excite me much more?

  • What are my reasons for sticking with this advisor? What are my reasons for switching?

  • If my current advisor has acted in an unprofessional or inappropriate manner, have I discussed this with the grad advising team or the Associate Director for Graduate Studies as I plan a switch?

Ideally, any student should be free to work with/switch to any willing faculty member at any time without fear of consequence. In reality, some faculty may be more sensitive than others about students leaving their group. If you suspect this may be the case for your advisor, you might want to talk over the answers to the preceding questions with people you trust and ensure that these formative conversations are kept confidential.

Sticking with an imperfect advisor

You might be dissatisfied with your advisor, but still choose to stick with them until you graduate. After all, every advisor has flaws and there are tradeoffs to every decision. You need to weigh these choices carefully; in some cases, just finishing your PhD with your current advisor may be the least bad option.

Leaving with a Master's degree

Occasionally, after doing research for a year or more, you may suspect that a PhD is not right for you, for example because you do not enjoy doing research or are having difficulty making progress. Depending on your career and life goals (which may have changed since you entered grad school), stopping with a Master’s degree can be a more efficient, productive and satisfying path. If you are unsure whether or not you are committed to the Ph.D. path, or if you are worried that your advisor may not be confident that you can complete a good PhD, talk with your advisor(s), the grad advising team, and colleagues at the school.

Keep in mind that figuring out the right career path for you, including leaving with a Master’s, is a success. You have learned more about yourself and your goals so you can move forward in a more positive and satisfying direction.

One option is to go on-leave with a Master’s pass (or a Ph.D. pass, which gives you a Masters degree), and then take the time to figure out what path will make you happiest. Most students who go on leave do not return (they find a career path that they prefer), but some do return. However, knowing that you can return may make it easier for you to do the experiment of experiencing life outside of grad school. No decision is permanent, but leaving grad school can help you learn a lot about yourself and your career goals.

Finding a new advisor

If you have decided to switch advisors and you would like to stay in the program, you need to find a new advisor and this may be the most difficult part of the change. Because you know that your current advisor is not right for you does not mean you know who is; a professor may need to advise you for months before you know for sure whether the relationship works. Adding one more level of difficulty, many advisors at the Allen School already have a lot of students and might not be immediately eager or have funding to take on new ones. This does not reflect on you or your abilities and potential.

Here are some tips on identifying advisors who might be a better fit for you in terms of research and advising style:

  • Ask professors in your field(s) of interest who might be a good fit for you and who might be taking on new students. Most faculty will gladly provide this advice. Before you meet with them, prepare by considering the kind of research that inspires you and the style of advising you seek.

  • Go through the Allen School list of faculty/research areas on our website. This may be old school, but the Allen School has grown dramatically, and you may find someone you were unaware of who is doing interesting work.

  • If you are considering changing research areas as well as advisors, explore fields related to the one you currently pursue. For example, if you are interested in machine learning, you may also be interested in work going on in natural language processing (NLP) or computational biology. This expands your pool of potential new advisors.

  • Talk to students in the area you are interested in or who work with a potential advisor of interest. Questions you can ask include: Is the advisor hands off? What sort of expectations do they have of their students? How long does it normally take one of their students to graduate? Students might also know whether their advisor is taking on more students, and under what circumstances.

  • Attend events. This includes area seminars and quals/generals/Ph.D. defenses, but also Allen School-wide events, like TGIF and the Pit Party. These offer informal ways to interact with potential advisors and their students in a casual environment so you can get to know them and possibly break the ice before formally approaching them.

  • Offer to do a short project. Rather than directly asking an advisor to take you on, ask if they would be open to collaborating with you on a small project to see if you might be a good fit for each other. This demonstrates your research skills, helps the potential advisor get work done, and is a good trial run for the relationship. Be sure to be open to their suggestions for what this project might be. Note that you will likely need to TA during your transition, especially if you are doing exploratory work for potential new advisors.

Note that Adjunct and Affiliate faculty are also options for potential advisors or co-advisors. It’s often a good practice to keep an Allen School faculty member involved, even if they are just available for the adjunct or affiliate faculty to consult with on Allen School policies and procedures.

Exploratory meetings with potential advisors

Once you have a list of potential advisors, you begin the “interview” process. The most straightforward way to approach a professor is to read their papers and then email them to set up a meeting. It would be especially helpful if you consider in advance the general area or topic you are interested in. However, being too wedded to specific projects may unnecessarily limit your options. When you meet, remember the assessment goes two ways: they are trying to decide whether to take you as a student, and you are considering whether they seem like a good fit or not.

It is very likely that they will ask your current/former advisor for their opinion about you.

Logistics of changing advisors and groups

Once you have decided on a new advisor and you have both agreed to move forward with the change, the official process of changing advisors is quite simple. Once you’ve had the necessary conversations, formalize the arrangement by completing the advisor change form.

Making this change can result in some difficult or complex situations that you must address as you go through the process.

  • Communicate your decision to your previous advisor. Do this in a way that makes you comfortable, possibly booking a short meeting or communicating by email. (You may want to review our advice on having stressful conversations.) Your choice may depend on your reasons for leaving and your working relationship with your previous advisor. This conversation may not always go as planned, and that is ok, but it is vital that you clearly and unambiguously communicate your intention to leave.

  • Tie up loose ends. Making a clean break is rare: there are often questions of projects, collaborations, lab responsibilities, and funding that may be ongoing as you move to your new advisor. Tell your new advisor about these responsibilities; they can advise you about what is a reasonable or unreasonable expectation from your previous advisor, how to make this transition smooth, and how they may adjust their expectations of what new work you can perform during the transition. (The grad advising team and other students will also have useful advice.) In most cases, the eventual goal is to resolve prior commitments as you segue into new ones.

If you cannot find an advisor who agrees to take you

You must be making satisfactory progress and have an advisor committed to seeing you through to your PhD in order to stay in the program. The Allen School is committed to doing everything we can to help you navigate the process of finding a new advisor. For more on what occurs if a student cannot find an advisor, see the RoP page. The grad advising team can also be a great resource for students seeking advice.

Seeking help

At least once in your PhD, and possibly many times, you may find that something is not going as planned. Problems may include research blockages, interpersonal disagreements, visa concerns, family issues, mental or physical health problems, and more. Here are some general suggestions of what to do.

Practice self-care

Self-care is a critical component of your relationship with yourself, your advisor and the school. Taking care of yourself both physically and mentally plays a vital role in your ability to function successfully as a student and a human being.

  • Depression and anxiety are common in graduate school, which is an extraordinarily stressful and demanding time in your life. If you are feeling existential angst or doubt, you are not alone! Many other grad students -- and probably your advisor -- have been there before you. The standard advice will serve you well: get adequate sleep, do not over-caffeinate, eat well, exercise regularly, take breaks and/or vacations, stay connected to friends, and consider professional help.

  • If you recognize that your physical or mental health might be slipping, let your advisor know while you seek help to address the situation. Do this early rather than trying to hide it and becoming unproductive. Your faculty advisor can help you brainstorm ways to adjust your workload. If you’re not comfortable talking with your faculty advisor, see the section on elevating the issue.

  • A list of the many resources available to you for self-care can be found on our Self-Care and Support page as well as on the UW’s Husky Health & Well-Being website.

The University of Washing has a number of health resources you can take advantage of, including free counseling offered on-campus and other benefits through your graduate student health insurance (GAIP).

Talk to your advisor

This is usually the best place to start when dealing with many problems in grad school, especially those related to your research, career, or your advising relationship.

Talk to other students

More senior students, such as officemates or colleagues, have likely had similar experiences or problems and may be able to offer you advice on how they handled their situations. They may also know other students who could offer specific advice. However, everyone is different and may experience different problems or view interactions through a unique lens.

Elevate the issue

On occasion, your advisor may not be able to provide the relief you are seeking. Further, there may be certain serious problems, such as inappropriate behavior or conflicts of interest, where talking to your advisor may not be a viable option. In such cases, we recommend that you reach out to any of the following resources. Your input to any of these is always invited and will be kept confidential.